I stopped posting on here because I realized I was becoming one of those people who started to share too much on the internet and social media, which to me is just so annoying. but I guess it was needed at the time.

But I couldn't help but want to blog about my day at work today. I don't have a journal or anywhere to write this- but I do want to remember how I feel at this particular moment.

My cousin is in surgery right now to remove a tumor from her brain. It's pretty serious and i'm not sure where this path is headed. My pessimistic nursing side thinks that its going in a direction where i'll find myself in denial.  My hopeful nursing side thinks, she's strong and our family will get through this.  But really, where is my head right now?

Toda i had a patient who has advanced head and neck cancer. His radiation caused him to lose his sight, hearing loss, decreased mobility, and well.. some drastic personality changes. He's in a shitty condition and his family knows it.  He's got some crazy infection on top of it all.  Today while giving meds, he spit them out at me.  Staying calm, i wiped it off my gown (thank god i was wearing it) and continued to try to give him his meds, he needed them.  His son was on his other side and you could tell he was embarrassed that his father just spit at the girl taking care of him.  He apologized and i tol d him that it wasn't anyone's fault and especially not his father's.

He started to talk to me, tell me his concerns. and he then he said, "April, i know he's going to die pretty soon. But i want you to know, my father was never like this." I looked at him, and he was so sad.  He was defending his father as if i would think less of their family because his father's actions.  I wanted to cry. I wasn't sure why. Actually I do-- a few reasons.

my uncle that died a couple years ago was in the same situation.  He had lung cancer that spread to his brain. And in his last days, he cursed at everyone... us and the nurses.. And i remember thinking.. this isn't him talking, its the cancer.

And then i thought of my cousin.  who is now well, fighting for a normal life. And maybe down the road, i'll have to remember what kind of person she was, what she did for me, how she looked out for me, and how i should treat other people.  I'll have to remember because she may or may not be "her" anymore.

Im scared shitless of what's going to happen. I'm crying right now hoping that this is a fucking dream and I will wake up and she is really OK, will go back to work, and text me to go out for dinner.  But the reality is that it just might not happen.


At the end of the conversation with my patient's son, i told him that my cousin was in the hospital, also for cancer. i told him how young she was and that i was fighting for strength just as much as he was. 

I probably shouldn't have shared my personal story to compare to his, but he thanked me for listening.