I stopped posting on here because I realized I was becoming one of those people who started to share too much on the internet and social media, which to me is just so annoying. but I guess it was needed at the time.

But I couldn't help but want to blog about my day at work today. I don't have a journal or anywhere to write this- but I do want to remember how I feel at this particular moment.

My cousin is in surgery right now to remove a tumor from her brain. It's pretty serious and i'm not sure where this path is headed. My pessimistic nursing side thinks that its going in a direction where i'll find myself in denial.  My hopeful nursing side thinks, she's strong and our family will get through this.  But really, where is my head right now?

Toda i had a patient who has advanced head and neck cancer. His radiation caused him to lose his sight, hearing loss, decreased mobility, and well.. some drastic personality changes. He's in a shitty condition and his family knows it.  He's got some crazy infection on top of it all.  Today while giving meds, he spit them out at me.  Staying calm, i wiped it off my gown (thank god i was wearing it) and continued to try to give him his meds, he needed them.  His son was on his other side and you could tell he was embarrassed that his father just spit at the girl taking care of him.  He apologized and i tol d him that it wasn't anyone's fault and especially not his father's.

He started to talk to me, tell me his concerns. and he then he said, "April, i know he's going to die pretty soon. But i want you to know, my father was never like this." I looked at him, and he was so sad.  He was defending his father as if i would think less of their family because his father's actions.  I wanted to cry. I wasn't sure why. Actually I do-- a few reasons.

my uncle that died a couple years ago was in the same situation.  He had lung cancer that spread to his brain. And in his last days, he cursed at everyone... us and the nurses.. And i remember thinking.. this isn't him talking, its the cancer.

And then i thought of my cousin.  who is now well, fighting for a normal life. And maybe down the road, i'll have to remember what kind of person she was, what she did for me, how she looked out for me, and how i should treat other people.  I'll have to remember because she may or may not be "her" anymore.

Im scared shitless of what's going to happen. I'm crying right now hoping that this is a fucking dream and I will wake up and she is really OK, will go back to work, and text me to go out for dinner.  But the reality is that it just might not happen.


At the end of the conversation with my patient's son, i told him that my cousin was in the hospital, also for cancer. i told him how young she was and that i was fighting for strength just as much as he was. 

I probably shouldn't have shared my personal story to compare to his, but he thanked me for listening.

everybook in here i wrote.

ugh, such a good song.
music-- why are you so good to me?

who's that talking in the library
who's that talking in my library 
is that you 
no i won't put you out 
cuz what would this place be without my muse 
nothing special 
every book in here i wrote 
some i'm not too proud of 
some i wish i could burn 
so many pages i wrote 
wish i could revise them but there's no erasing 
and the best advice i got 

was keep writing 
and keep living 
and keep loving 
(oh lovin lovin lovin)
and when the ink dries 
and the pages turn to dust 
so will we 
turn to dust 
so will we 
dust dust 

who's that laughing in my library 
who's that laughing in my library 
is that you 
no i wont put you out 
cause what would this place be 
without your smile 
nothing special 
i fell in love with you girl 
you let yourself inside 
with no respect for privacy  
you said there's too much on my mind
then you ripped out a page 
and set that shit on flame 

i quit writing 
i kept living 
i kept loving 
and when the ink dries 
and them pages turn to dust 
so will we 
turn to dust 
so will we 
dust dust 

Theres a reason for fuckin everything. EVERYTHING! Don't ever forget that.

"I've been through a lot worse, with a lot less."

Do werq.

Yeah. thats exactly what I'm doing.

Working is kicking my ass. Its tiring, draining (emotionally, physically, mentally).
I don't eat at work usually. On a good day, I'll eat breakfast.. and have lunch on time.
On a good day, I won't hold in my pee and leave work on time.

I'm constantly thinking of my patients, even when I come home. To do lists are running through my head, procedures, medications, doctors names. And I wake up at 5:20am to do it all over again.

I know it sounds like I'm complaining.  The truth is, is that its really overwhelming.  I'm super thankful that I'm employed, and that I'm learning a WHOLE LOT. Because if there's one thing I learned -- this is nothing like nursing school and you never do in fact, stop learning. And the stress and tears right now, are paying my bills and these hellforsaken student loans. And giving me the opportunity to do what I want on my days off (besides sleep).

That, buddies, is my life right now. WORK. Being on my feet 12 and a half hours of the day.. wiping ass, pulling, pushing, poking, charting, listening, calling, answering.

"It'll get better," is what I've heard. A lot of "you'll get used to it.. give it a few more months."
"Don't worry, its always like this in the beginning."

LOL, I guess we'll see.

Just when you're pretty sure of something.

Everybody asks me why I'm smiling.

2011 VMA - Music - Beyoncé

It's not until you feel the most left out that you start to understand the harsh words you've ever said about anyone before.

wtfunk

After what seems like a million years, im back on a computer. Now to blog all these thoughts and pictures I've come across and nothing to share with. maybe thats why i jumped back on twitter too. go me!

"You don't have to tell me everything, 
but you don't tell me anything."

Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday

I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow 
This time we'll take it slow 
This time we'll take it slow

This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way

I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow 
This time we'll take it slow 
This time we'll take it slow

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby youuuu and I

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow 
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow 
This time we'll take it slow 
This time we'll take it slow

Thank God today is over.

There have been days that I just wanted to sleep through and hope to wake up to either a better day, or a realization that it was just in fact a dream.
Today was def one of them.
I haven't been having them much lately, but when they do... Fuck.

Nothing lasts forever.

Work is hard, and tiring, and I love it right now! Learning while getting paid is great, and the best thing is that -- in this career, you never stop learning.

I had a patient last week, a sweet sweet lady who was my Mother's age.  I cared for her for three days straight. Her procedures, tests, requests became all routine to me. (ps working 3 days straight isn't as bad as some may think!) On my third day with her, I was lucky to discharge her and finally send her home.  I told her that I was so excited that she was one of my first patients, I thanked her for always letting me know I was doing okay, and that I won't ever forget what kind of patience she had with me while I was learning the ropes in her patient room.  I sent her home with the request that I didnt wanna see her again as a patient, but to come back to let us know how good she was doing. 

Yesterday I came into work and found out she passed away on Wednesday morning, and my heart hurt.  The son called and asked for me to make sure I knew that she passed away peacefully in her  home, with her family around. 

My heart hurt.

There's a first for everything, and that was one of them. 

McFarland

Insecurity is a bitch.